Sex can be many things in a good relationship… spontaneous, passionate, soothing, reassuring, healing, fun… but above all, loving. It is impossible, however, to have a healthy, happy sex life if you have unfinished business from the past in your relationship with your partner. You owe it to yourself to take a good hard look at old hurts and buried anger. We often choose intimate partners because of early life experiences that are begging for closure in the present.
In order to restore your sexual energy and rekindle passion, both your and your partner must be willing to ask – and listen to the answers to – some difficult questions about your relationship. Speak up about what you won’t tolerate anymore. Refrain from blaming your partner when you raise issues. If you do it with an open heart, you invite healing in.
If you’re feeling stuck and don’t know where to start, get help from a counsellor, psychologist or sex therapist. A good place to start is to set goals so that you have clarity about what you would like your relationship to be like. If you don’t know where you’re heading, you keep going around in circles.
Relationship Action Steps
1. Redefine and update your relationship. Make a list of the issues in your relationship that haven’t been resolved and attend to it.
2. Hold a candle ceremony. Light a candle, imagine a negative feeling that you have about your relationship or your partner, and then feed that emotion to the flame. As you do so, envisage the emotion being consumed by the flame and celebrate the release of that emotion.
3. Actively practice forgiveness. Forgive yourself and your partner for perceived wrong-doings of the past.
4. Meditate on who you would like to be as a partner and be honest about what you have to change within yourself - then do it. All it takes is courage and determination.
5. Make a conscious decision to boost romance. Flowers, cards, and romantic nights out are all part of what keeps romance thriving. Make your bedroom more sensual with scented candles. Play romantic music. Massage each other with aromatic oils.
6. Be playful with your partner. Explore ways to add creativity and freshness to your love-making. Try different sex toys and positions. Laugh. In short, have more fun!
